I want to take another turn, I want to taste a little sweetness in life.

I am so out of practice with writing blog entries that aren’t squirreled away in some private account on some semi-obscure journaling site that I actually find it really difficult to write here again now that I’m trying to get back into blogging in a public-facing context. I really enjoy being able to look back on old entries and my public entries always seem to be more accessible, so I’d like to put some actual effort into documenting exactly what’s been going on with me as of late, but I really just can’t seem to find my voice, so I have a feeling that the next few entries are going to be pretty awkward. You have been warned.

You would think that the fact that I haven’t updated very much over the past few months would be indicative of my actually doing things and being hyper-productive, but that’s been far from the case. I spent most of the spring doing nothing beyond reading and working through a lot of books I had just never gotten around to reading, but had been meaning to for quite awhile. The end of March and beginning of April was a pretty rough period of time for me; I was struggling to internalize the concept that who I am as a person is something that only I get to define, regardless of other people and their projected discomfort with themselves or their misconstrual of any number of facets of my existence. I went through a lot of growing pains in the (still ongoing) process of strengthening my sense of self as part of that process, so losing myself within the pages of  Crime and Punishment, Dealers of Lightning, and Flatland, among others, was a very welcome respite from all of the events that transpired during that particular timeframe. I also spent a lot of time running in March and April, too. I got 3/4ths of the through Couch to 5k before I got bored and stopped, for whatever reason; I really did enjoy being so active, but I do remember not being pleased with constant shin splints and foot cramps. In retrospect, I should have just bought better shoes.

As April progressed and faded into May, I settled into a routine of laziness as the warmer weather shifted my thoughts from the internal to the external. The beginning of summer semester inched ever the more nearer, bringing with it the first “official” step of my pending career change: the start of my first college-level Computer Science course. Always one to get ahead of myself, I spent a lot of time in the weeks preceding the start of class sitting in my cubicle at work looking at syllabuses from previous semesters’ offerings of the course to get a sneak peek of what we’d be learning; I also spent a lot of time during that period trying to figure out what the next year or two my life would look like from a professional and academic standpoint. (I did say I’m one to get ahead of myself, after all.) Summer semester started in mid-May and I have really, really been enjoying delving into Java. It has been really surreal to see exactly how much my skills and comprehension have increased in two short months. Honestly, this topic could become an entry in and of itself, so I’ll just say that I think I am making the right choice by moving into CS, even if it means a few years of decreased income while I pursue more education to facilitate the transition. Oh, I developed a really fun, superficial crush on a guy I refer to as “Sexy Nicolas Cage” somewhere in here, too.

About two weeks into the semester, I flew down to Maryland for Memorial Day and to see the house I lived in for the last ten years of my youth one last time before my family moved into a new place. I expected to be more torn up about it, but I guess the fact that I’ve moved three times on my own since 2008 sort of negated the emotional impact of seeing everything in boxes. Coupled with the fact that I rather enjoy the fresh start associated with moving, I think I was more happy than anything else. After returning to Pittsburgh, I decided that I needed to curtail the weight gain that had started creeping up on me in April when I stopped running without adjusting my eating habits so I started keeping a food log again. I think I’ve just come to accept that unless I’m being incredibly active, I can’t be trusted to eat without accountability; thankfully, it doesn’t take much effort to plug my meals into MyFitnessPal and weigh myself everyday, though.

Not too long after I settled into my new routine of balancing work and school, my usual summer depression decided to show its trollish face. For whatever reason, summer has always been really bad for my mental health and this year was no exception. It hasn’t been easy by any stretch of the word, but I’ve done my best to ignore it and keep moving forward. I feel like the clouds might be lifting a little at this point, but it really is too soon to say, one way or the other. Regardless, it’s nothing I haven’t been though before, so I will certainly pull through this time, too. Once I’m completely out of this little dark patch, I’m sure I’ll look back on it with a smirk and view it as a testament to my strength, but as of right now, I’m just plodding through and keeping my eye on the goal. I’ve been pouring a lot of energy into trying to strike a balance between enjoying the present, coming to terms with the past, and planning for the future. It’s a process that’s definitely not easy for me given my tendency toward escapism in the form of daydreams, but I’m trying and making progress with it, so that’s good enough for me right now.

You know what’s also good enough for me right now? This entry.