Right now, I am struggling to break out of this downward emotional spiral and feel something resembling normal.
I wish that I could just walk away from the things in my life that frustrate me and cause me so much displeasure, but that isn’t the way adulthood works. When I am less emotional, I need to analytically sit down and figure out what mistakes I am continually making that lead to me putting myself in situations where I am not respected; I think that I do an okay job of voicing my frustrations in situations both professional and personal and working to find mutually agreeable solutions, but for whatever reason that I have yet to determine, I seem to always find things slipping back to the status quo, leaving me in the predicament of either accepting being unhappy, speaking up again, or walking away from the situation at hand. It’s frustrating to find myself dealing with this personally and professionally at the moment, but so it goes. I just need to figure out what my attempts to reason with people to solve problems in a way that benefits all parties do not ever go as planned. I refuse to become the sort of person who exists as a doormat, but I also refuse to become the sort of person who only cares about their own interests: I must find balance between being firm and being rigid.
Clearly there is some level of introspection and skill building that I need to do in the near future. But not today and probably not tomorrow: for now I am just sad and emotionally exhausted.
Aside from the aforementioned existential crisis, I guess I’m doing okay. As obnoxious as things are right now, I cannot abandon hope that in six months or a year, my life will be more suitable to me. The dream of earning my comfort in a job that leaves me with the emotional bandwidth to spend my downtime pursuing hobbies which fulfil my brain and heart doesn’t seem so extreme. I am still overwhelmed with the desire to withdraw socially right now, but logically, I think I will get over it with the passage of time; for now though, I just want to be alone with my thoughts about the present and my hopes for the future. Right now, the best thing I can do for myself, and by extension those around me, is to do a soft reboot and hope that it is enough to shake off this weighty sorrow.