Blogvember 2015 : 3/30

Day three, 10% of the way there!

After writing yesterday’s entry, I found myself reflecting on exactly how much better I think my writing use to be when it comes to blogging.  The writing that I did from 2005 to 2009 was so much more passionate and alive. I stumble over myself trying to get entries written lately which is weird because that never used to be the case. I miss feeling like I could imbue some semblance of myself into the words I sent off into the ether. I’m not sure if my gift for doing this has atrophied due to lack of use or due to wilful suppression of any sort of personality when writing emails in a professional setting. Either way, it’s not the greatest and I’m hoping that Blogvember will help me get back in the game.

Being able to sit down in front of my computer and have my thoughts bubble up to the surface of my brain in the exact right order to make my fingers dance across the keyboard, leaving behind them a raw, honest portrayal of my mood and thoughts at that moment in time is something that I took for granted. I sorely miss being able to bring myself to a place of emotional catharsis by just letting go and opening up. Maybe my writing has suffered, not because I have grown lazy, but because I’ve closed myself off — not only online, but in my own head. I definitely don’t spend anywhere near as much time being introspective as I once did. To an extent that is a good thing (one cannot live in the self-absorbed folly of youth forever), but I do wonder if I simply don’t know myself as well today as I did, say, three or four years ago. If that is in fact the case, no wonder my writing feels stiff and mechanical! Words don’t flow about subjects on which one has minimal knowledge.

Even doing this slight bit of introspection has been beneficial: I feel like I’ve at least started the process of putting my finger on exactly what it is about my most recent writing that feels off and figuring out what I can do to rectify that. Hell, even being honest about the fact that I’m less than pleased with my output lately is a step in the right direction, truth be told. After everything that’s gone on with me lately I find myself with this overwhelming urge to just be fucking honest about everything I can possibly be honest about, both with myself and others and getting back to a point where I can write openly and authentically is a first step on that road that’s as good as any other.