I know what I know, if you know what I mean.

Lately I have been a lot more social than usual and, accordingly, quite insecure in my interpersonal abilities.

Despite the fact that I am quite introverted and mildly socially-anxious, I am normally pretty much okay with this fact. Just because being hyper-social and/or the center of attention isn’t my favorite thing the world, doesn’t mean I can’t do it and do it well. I can feign extroversion well enough that I can confidentially masquerade as someone with a natural proclivity toward being outgoing. The only catch to to this ability to emulate extroversion is my inability to keep the charade up for extended periods of time. As grateful as I am to be able to prepare my ass off and give a solid presentation or contribute to a meeting, I still find myself lacking when it comes to long term, low-level social skills, and thus my insecurity is introduced. Perhaps it is an unfounded fear, but I find my.self fretting that my tendency to frequently zone the fuck out and hyper-focus on tasks and thoughts, coupled with my preference to listening vs. talking in most situations, will make me come off as being anti-social or a bitch.

So, what to do? I cannot change the fundamental nature of my personality (nor would I want to), but I can do two pretty crucial things:

  1. Get over myself . I am 99.98% certain that no one pays as much attention to my self-perceived weaknesses and flaws as I do. I am not the center of the universe and being so hung up on my own shortcomings dramatically decreases the amount of free “processing power” that I can dedicate to more meaningful and more useful tasks.
  2. Push myself out of my comfort zone. If am going to be hung up on an insecurity to the point of feeling quazi-shameful about a fundamental component of my personality, I am sure as fuck going to doing something about it. Just because being super passive in social situations is my default behavior does not mean that I cannot force myself to behave differently.  I am going to put some thought into it and come up with some minor SMART goals that are easy enough to achieve that they don’t feel impossible, but are substantial enough that they force me to develop my areas of insecurities.

I had forgotten how much of a cathartic outlet writing can be. I would say “I will do this more often,” but we all know how that promise goes.