Uninspired-Musings

I missed yesterday’s post so I will make it up soon, hopefully tomorrow.

For whatever reason, I am really uninspired to write today, too. There is plenty that I’d like to say, but I don’t have it in me to write it down. I guess day after day of constant blogging is already starting to wear thin on me! Also, this week felt painfully long for whatever reason. Maybe it’s the result of daylight savings time or maybe it’s because traffic has been horrendous in the evenings, but every day has felt like a month in and of itself. It is also way too warm outside for November. All of these things combined have made me feel like I am existing in some weird sort of limbo in which I just want to read books and watch documentaries and nap.

Even though this has been a long week, it has been one with minimal drama, so I can’t complain too loudly. With all the excitement, both good and bad, that has gone on over the past few months, I will happily enjoy some well-deserved quiet…and perhaps productivity. I have a ton of non-glamorous, domestic drudgery to work through this weekend, but such is life!

(I totally spaced on writing an entry last night, so today will be a two entry day, yippee!)

I somehow do not have any social commitments this weekend or next weekend! I am not sure how that happened, but I’m going to take advantage of it and be the most boring person in the world. I am a simple person and sometimes nothing makes me happier than wasting countless hours alone in my bedroom reading, watching random videos on the Internet, and sleeping without setting an alarm. Sometimes it’s really nice to just…be.

There’s something absolutely beautiful about spending time alone…and who am I to d my beauty? I am grateful for my ability to enjoy my own company. Being content in my solitude has afforded me some of my most cherished memories, so here’s to many more!

Sometimes the best part about stepping out of your comfort zone is developing an appreciation for what you have. As nice as it can be to try new things, I have learned over and over again not to doubt my knowledge of myself and what makes me happy.

Day three, 10% of the way there!

After writing yesterday’s entry, I found myself reflecting on exactly how much better I think my writing use to be when it comes to blogging.  The writing that I did from 2005 to 2009 was so much more passionate and alive. I stumble over myself trying to get entries written lately which is weird because that never used to be the case. I miss feeling like I could imbue some semblance of myself into the words I sent off into the ether. I’m not sure if my gift for doing this has atrophied due to lack of use or due to wilful suppression of any sort of personality when writing emails in a professional setting. Either way, it’s not the greatest and I’m hoping that Blogvember will help me get back in the game.

Being able to sit down in front of my computer and have my thoughts bubble up to the surface of my brain in the exact right order to make my fingers dance across the keyboard, leaving behind them a raw, honest portrayal of my mood and thoughts at that moment in time is something that I took for granted. I sorely miss being able to bring myself to a place of emotional catharsis by just letting go and opening up. Maybe my writing has suffered, not because I have grown lazy, but because I’ve closed myself off — not only online, but in my own head. I definitely don’t spend anywhere near as much time being introspective as I once did. To an extent that is a good thing (one cannot live in the self-absorbed folly of youth forever), but I do wonder if I simply don’t know myself as well today as I did, say, three or four years ago. If that is in fact the case, no wonder my writing feels stiff and mechanical! Words don’t flow about subjects on which one has minimal knowledge.

Even doing this slight bit of introspection has been beneficial: I feel like I’ve at least started the process of putting my finger on exactly what it is about my most recent writing that feels off and figuring out what I can do to rectify that. Hell, even being honest about the fact that I’m less than pleased with my output lately is a step in the right direction, truth be told. After everything that’s gone on with me lately I find myself with this overwhelming urge to just be fucking honest about everything I can possibly be honest about, both with myself and others and getting back to a point where I can write openly and authentically is a first step on that road that’s as good as any other.

We’re only on day two of Blogvember and I’m already feeling lazy about posting. Not good! I guess I just haven’t developed the habit of writing daily yet. I’ll get there in time I suppose. Today I want to reflect a little on how I’ve been doing mental health wise since that has been a major theme in my life lately.

Right around the time I got my new diagnosis, and subsequent new treatment plan, last month, all I could think about was my mental illness: whether I’d ever be free of it, if I actually really had one or if I was just overly sensitive/moody, the social stigma surrounding being on medication for my mental health, and a whole host of other things related to the issue at hand. In the days leading up to going in to see my doctor for a med adjustment and oh-so-scary updated diagnosis, I found myself single-mindedly focused on being sick and being bitter that this is a cross I’ll have to carry for the rest of my life.

The ironic thing here is ever since I got back into therapy, started seeing my psychiatrist regularly, and had Lithium added to my drug cocktail, I’ve been happier and more stable than I ever was when my “depression [was] in remission” and I fought tooth and nail through everyday without the benefit of meds, doctors, or social support. Admitting that I wasn’t okay, opening up about how depressed I was, and forcing myself to keep up with treatment, even when I had brief periods of feeling well, has been the key to allowing me to have my life back. I’m proud of how hard I fought to survive while keeping everything bottled up for as long as I did, but I’m prouder that I admitted to myself when I couldn’t keep my head above water on my own anymore.

I am also grateful as fuck for the things and people in my life that have supported me in fighting this illness. Having excellent insurance to dampen the financial burden of continual doctor’s appointments, a job flexible enough to let me attend said appointments, and people close me to talk through things with have all been critical to my ability to get back into care and get re-diagnosed. Although there is no such thing as “out of the woods” for me, the past few weeks have been devoid of the two-ton crushing weight of depression in earnest for the first time in months. Even though it’s not realistic to think that I’ll be fine and dandy for ever, its glorious having this patch of hard-won happiness.

When it comes down to it, I’ll gladly wear the “Bipolar II” label (stigma and all), take four pills a day, keep seeing my therapist and psychiatrist, and get my Lithium levels checked every month if that’s what it takes to stay healthy. I have known the hell that is unmitigated depression. If I can make these inconsequential concessions to keep that pain at bay and keep that monster off my back, I’d be crazy not to…pun intended. =P

And so Blogvember begins!

I feel a lot more grounded than I did four or five days ago. It’s amazing how quickly you can move beyond something once you make your. Ind up to do so and surround yoursf with the entrappings of day-to-day life. I won’t be audacious enough to say I’ve completely gotten over the circumstances that had me a little lower than usual last week, but I have definitely quickly come to realize that there wasnt much to let go of in the first place.

Aside from the above, things have been pretty okay. I ended up having to dump $530 into my car unexpectedly on Friday which was annoying, but I’m glad it’s over and done with (and that it wasn’t more expensive than that). Whenever I find myself face-to-face with an unexpected expense, I am grateful that I’m in a place financially where things like this are an annoyance and not a huge problem. This gratitude, in combination with the rapidly-approaching holiday season, has put me in the mood to  do something charitable;  GoFundMe campaigns are everywhere, so I guess I’ll just keep an eye out for one that speaks to me, figure out what I can afford to give, and open up my wallet. I really should be in the mindset of helping others year round, but I seem to only think of giving as the year winds down.

On the topic of the year coming to a close, I am beyond jazzed that clocks have rolled back and the nights are now longer. I have always been a sucker for winter and fall: something about the seemingly-eternal frigid darkness makes me feel safe and alive in a way that summer never could. Add the fall and winter holidays (and the associated time off work) in there and it’s easy to see why I’m a sucker For the season.

There is a fair bit more I feel like blogging about, but given I have 29 days of daily blogging left, I will save some for later.