How could a person like me care for you?

I did not plan to write again so soon, but I suppose that one of the “benefits” of being in a reflective headspace is sitting down and waxing poetic about random shit seems quite appealing.

Earlier today, I spent quite a bit of time looking at Facebook posts from 2010 to 2012. Doing so made me both nostalgic for the levity of my early 20s and really glad that I’ve moved beyond an existence in which my self-worth was tied up in other people’s perceptions of my value. That said, reading those posts and looking at those pictures mostly made me grateful for the places I’ve lived, the people I’ve loved, and the books I’ve read. As far as my emotional and intellectual development goes, college was a bloody great time in my life and there really isn’t much I would change, looking back.

For all that can be said about not looking back, I sometimes think that the most grounding, comforting thing that I can do for myself is to look back at the things that I’ve accomplished, the obstacles I’ve overcome, the experiences I’ve had, and the decisions I’ve made. Realizing that my life at present isn’t just a work of serendipity is calming in the best way: somehow knowing that I’ve navigated nearly three decades worth of choices and setbacks and still come out pretty damn okay is enough to remind me that this too shall pass. And when it does, I’ll be glad that I wrote about it…even in the vaguest of terms. =P

Some days, they feel like dress rehersals

I have decided that I am going to try (key word here being “try”) to write an entry every day in the month of November. Since I am not a fiction writer (at least not in long format), the appeal of NaNoWriMo just isn’t there for me, but I would like to challenge myself to improve my writing and get back into the swing of using writing as a more consistent outlet for both emotioral catharsis and creativity. Given that one of the biggest blockers to my ability to write consistently is feeling like I don’t have anything to write about, I am going to brainstorm some topics to write on to pre-emptively shutdown the possibility of failure due to lack of topics to write about.

Aside from my slowly-brewing plan to write my face off next month, life hasn’t been too terribly interesting. I got some medical news about two weeks ago that was both good and bad; good in that once you know what’s wrong, you can go about treating it, and bad in that there really isn’t any denying that finding out that your body has performed an act of treason is not the greatest of things. I guess I’m just glad that after damn near eight years of intermitent sickness and health, I know what my problem actually is and can address it accordingly.

Said medical developments, in tandem with some other weird up and downs in my life, have made me take a bit of a step back and re-prioritize things, at least on a surface level. Ultimately, I think where I am in life right now is a place that requires being as honest with myself as I try to be with other people. On of the best things about getting older is having life experiences to draw on during weird, turbulent phases like the one I’m in now and knowing (more or less) what I need from myself to move forward and back into a less-shitty headspace.

There are some things I need to work out of my system at present moment and I think the best (only?) way to do that is to acknowledge that I’ve made some mistakes and let my armor down and, as a result of that, put myself in a situation where my emotions overrode my logic in a big, big way and left me vulnerable, and, as a result of that, I got hurt (and possibly made a dick of myself, who knows). Granted, I also experienced some great beauty, pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and learned a lot about myself, so it wasn’t a total waste, but, I have to accept that I have sucked all the good that I possibly can from the situation as it stands. The heathliest thing I can do for myself is to accept what I allowed to transpire and that the situation didn’t turn out the way I wanted, and move on to the next conquest, all whlie being brutally honest with myself about how I feel and where I’m at emotionally.

Here’s to next month being more honest, more healthy, and filled with more writing.