I am doing really poorly today.
Maybe indulging myself in this digital purge isn’t healthy, but I don’t know how else to process my feelings and move on; the narrow confines of my mind just aren’t roomy enough to spread these thoughts and feelings out to beging to sort through them.
I went up to The City yesterday for work which was mostly good. But today I am tired and over-socialized and desperately wishing I had a higher threshhold for human interaction and stress. I think I did a good job of faking it and getting things done, but I am paying the price. All I want to do is sleep and listen to depressing-ass music and read…obviously not all at once.
The bite of failure and the sting of self-hatred that used to permeate every minute of every day are back, but I know that they are transient liars. I am worth more than my lows and tomorrow will be better; every day can’t be an on day so I won’t begrudge myself these hours of weakness. Besides, if today is the price I am paying for those few unexpected hours of pure happiness last week, it is a trade off I can accept.
Alas, I must shake this off.
There are books to read and cats to cuddle and a hopeless crush to steal longing glances at and concerts to attend: I will not feel like this forever. I will sleep away this fog of disappointment in myself and tomorrow upon waking, the sparkle of life will have returned to my eyes in earnest and I will wake up glad to face the day.
This is real, but it isn’t permanent.