Ever the inconsistent blogger, I have reemerged from the shadows to quasi-publicly ruminate on the state of my life at present.
I have been challenging myself a lot lately: professionally, personally, and soon, academically. Being so far out of my depths in so many areas of my life has left me absolutely drowning in the feelings of discomfort and self-doubt which accompany being a neophyte. Granted, I recognize that these feelings are a good thing; they mean that I’m outside my comfort zone and consequently growing. However, knowing that I’m acting in my long-term best interest is not a salve strong enough to ameliorate the burn of an almost-overwhelming frustration with myself for not having developed flawlessly and immediately. I have been attempting to partially counter these growing pains by spending my super-limited free time indulging in things like playing video games and reading fluffy literature: activities which replenish me rather than drain me. If the majority of my day-to-day life is going to be spent dragging myself kicking and screaming toward becoming a bit more like the version of myself that lives in my head, then I have sure as fuck earned the right to spend my leisure time as unproductively as I so choose. To that end, I am not beating myself up for not living up to other people’s wishes as to how I should be spending my leisure time. Selfishness is a virtue which I’ll simply have to embrace (at least in the short term) if I want to cling to the few shreds of sanity I have left.
So, yeah. I am definitely 100% in the midst of making progress in life right now. Consequently, everything feels so foreign and awkward and uncomfortable right now because it IS all of those things…and that’s okay! I think a large part of my growth as a human being will be learning how to deal with those feelings without being plagued with self-doubt and turning to self-deprecating humor. If anything, I should be proud of myself for doing what so many people don’t and actually taking action to rectify the areas of my life which need improvement rather than simply shrugging my shoulders and stating “it is what it is.” Life is hard right now, but that’s a good thing. Here’s to the struggle of the present and the pay off of the future!
And to those who would choose the safety of inaction over the danger of taking a stand, I have this to say: You bloody cowards. May you have the world that you deserve.” ? Mira Grant, Deadline