Uninspired Musings
4Dec/11

Day Zero: 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind, Part 1

I have committed myself to doing the Day Zero Project, and while I haven't officially started, I have decided that tonight is just as good as any to kick off one of my goals and start answering the 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind.

1.) How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
That is a really, really hard question for me to answer. I have found myself increasingly preoccupied with my age as I've gotten older. I think this primarily has to do with the fact that I haven't quite reached the level of personal, financial, academic, and professional success that my younger self imagined would come along with being 23-years-old. That said, I'm not really doing badly, if I want to be honest with myself. I may not have a lot of close friends, but the ones I do have are pretty awesome; I might not have the most prestigious job ever, but I've escaped retail hell, I make a decent amount of money, and I don't dread going to work in the morning; I have my own apartment in a city I love, and most of the time my life is generally not too shabby. On the other side of things, I'm still pretty immature when I want to be (and sometimes when I don't), I'm not always as sure of myself as I think someone my age "should" be, and my romantic life is currently stuck in a whole "I don't feel worthy of going after the people I like thanks to one long, drawn out, quasi-rejection" sort of state that needs to be broken. Reflecting upon all that, I would say that I'm probably somewhere between 22 and 25 years of age...so, not too far off the mark, actually.

2.) Which is worse, failing or never trying?
I struggle with this one on a daily basis, but I'd honestly have to say that never trying is way worse than failing. If you never try to attain something which you want, you'll just belabor the process of moving past it and you'll also short-change yourself out of the opportunity to experience failure and let it strengthen you as a person.

3.) If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
For me, this absolutely boils down to mindlessly performing tasks which I think I'm supposed to do in order to be a "happy, well-adjusted adult." Often, I think it's pretty common just to do things because they're culturally expected of us or because we're too mentally lazy to analyze ourselves and figure out what we really, really want and trace out a path to reaching a place where the actions we perform aren't knee-jerk reactions, but rather mindful steps toward making ourselves happy. This question actually fits perfectly into my current goal of completely my Day Zero Project. For me, I think the thing that truly held me back from doing the things I want to do before was the fact that I continually made excuses and never really felt like I was living my "real life" at the moment, so to speak. There was always the whole "Oh, I'll wait for X, Y, and Z before I do A, B, and C" line of thinking that I allowed to stand in my way, and quite frankly, that is complete and utter bullshit. As I've spent the last 23 years learning over and over, every day you spend procrastinating about making yourself happy, is another day that you spend proactively making yourself miserable.

4.) When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Given that I'm naturally a very loquacious person (online and in writing, anyway!), I almost certainly will have said more than I have done...unless I take some action to change to that. Though, I'm not really sure have said more than I've done is entirely a horrible thing, to be honest. Words are an extremely valuable and under-appreciated currency in my opinion. Given that, I really do need to work much harder at moving beyond the conceptual world of words and actually acting upon my meticulous plans in a timely fashion.

5.) What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
Damn. This seriously a hard one. I realize it's incredibly cliche, but I would honestly be grateful to see a world in which the great monsters of ego and entitlement were slain. I think those two things contribute so overwhelmingly to global ills that eliminating them would doubtlessly be the start of something good.

I can honestly say that each one of these questions could have easily been fleshed out into their own post, but I think just answering them at all and getting myself thinking about what they entail is as good a start as any, to be honest. So...look forward to the next nine installments?

28Oct/11

I woke up stronger than ever.

Well, shit.

I never really update anymore, do I? Oh well, I'm not known for my ability at following through with things, that's for sure. I'm currently sitting at Pittsburgh International Airport waiting for a flight to Baltimore for the m83 concert in DC tonight. I'm actually listening to Active Child, the band that's opening for them, at the moment; they're somewhat similar to m83 and I like what I've heard so far. But, this post isn't really about music.

While I was stuffing Quiznos down my throat, I started reading Player One by Douglas Coupland and, as all Douglas Coupland novels seem to do, it made me do something thinking. As a result of that thought process, I've come to the conclusion that I feel the most "in my element" when I'm a state of flux, moving between two places and more or less feeling unfettered to who and what I am. I guess I'm happiest when I'm surrounded by people, yet completely alone at the same time.

I'm of course reminded of a quotation from Waking Life and thus feel compelled to throw it in here: "The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while always arriving. It saves on introductions and goodbyes." I mean, how could someone not want to exist in such a beautiful state of impermanence? These are the things I think about when I'm removed from the familiar patterns of my every day, 9-to-5 life and allowed to exist on my terms, even if only for a five-day-weekend.

Maybe I'll update again in two more months. =P

Filed under: Daily Life No Comments
21Aug/11

I already want a TARDIS.

Update time!

Nerdiness + Tastiness = BLISS.

Nothing of any major consequence has really happened since I last wrote, but I still feel the need to do a brain dump regardless.

I think I am going to start watching Doctor Who, finally. I've been meaning to for seemingly forever, but I tend to be really, really slow at getting around to exploring shows that I'm interested in because I spend so much of my time reading and aimlessly wandering around the internet. Doctor Who is available on Netflix meaning I can watch it on my phone wherever I am, so I guess we' see how long it takes me to make my way through the old episodes. (ETA: I watched the first two episodes last night and I really, really enjoyed them.) Breaking Bad has also recently popped up on my radar as a show to check out, too. It's not on Netflix though, so boo. On a final TV-related note, I am fucking dying over here waiting for season two of The Walking Dead. Why? Just check out the awesome trailer on YouTube. Wow, a whole paragraph on television! Who am I becoming!?

Tell-lie-vision aside, my life has been fairly static this past week. It's finally getting dark earlier and the nights and mornings have a very unmistakably-autumnal chill to them. Being the Ice Queen that I am, this makes me stupidly happy. This summer really wasn't awful, but I'm ready for cooler weather and the relaxed mindset it brings. Actually I need to ditch relaxation and get moving with productivity, heh. I've been really lazy and unmotivated for the past few days so I need to get it together and put my game face back on if I want to plow through all  the shit I have to do.

But for now? Laundry, more Doctor Who, and waiting for my food from Rialto Pizza to arrive, huzzah!

Tagged as: 3 Comments
15Aug/11

“E” is for Escapism.

I am currently reading Fantasy Freaks and Gaming Geeks by Ethan Gilsdorf and it has made me do quite a bit of pondering as to the concept of escapism and how it presents itself in my own life. Even though it is no big secret that I am overwhelming nerdy in the academic sense and geeky in the fandom sense (zombies, anyone?) I have never really thought of myself as one to legitimately seek shelter from the pressures of my daily life in fantasy worlds. Generally, I am not one to get swept up into video games, movies, and novels for extended periods of time. I always seem to find myself drifting away from mythical beasts and foreign worlds back to things like course requirements and savings plans. Yes, it seems as though even my subconscious mind is rooted quite firmly into this world. There is one rather big but, though: I do not find myself particularly rooted to this time. I am futuristic girl, through and through.

I do more living inside my head than out of it lately, it seems.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have crazy, "far-fetched sci-fi-tastic" ideals about myself as android or something out there like that. My future-based escapism is so subtle that I didn't even begin to think of it as such until reading Gilsdorf's book. Yes, my particularly drug is fantasizing about my "future self": a slightly more together and refined version of who I am now. A self with better financial planning skills, more self-discipline, well-developed social skills, and a perky set of DDs. (Hey, a girl can dream, right?) I spend so much time daydreaming about what I could be someday (and running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to become this highly-evolved "Christina 2.0") that I'm very rarely completely present in my day to day life in any real, meaningful way. Sure, I go through the motions, but 99% of the time, I'm just biding my time until I get back to my inner life and continue "leveling myself up."

Granted, it could be argued that my form of escapism isn't as detrimental to my overall well-being as playing World of Warcraft or something all day because the way I escape from what ails me is still firmly founded in reality, but I feel like the root my behavior vs a WoW addict's behavior is still more or less the same. No matter how you cut it, I am shortchanging myself in a really big way by allowing enjoyment of my present life to take a backseat to something that is (for now) just a fantasy.

So how do I mesh my "fantasy life," and all the time-consuming activities that come with working towards it, with my real life successfully? No idea...just yet, anyway.

12Aug/11

Today, my brain is the texture of pureed squash…and it shows.

This has pretty much been my day so far...poor image quality and all.

Last night, the combination of post-surgical exhaustion, half a Vicodin, and a low of 53 degrees Fahrenheit led to me having some of the best sleep I've had in months. My sleep was so amazing, in fact, that I slept through my alarm and woke up 40 minutes late this morning. Oops? Somehow I still made it to work on time (albeit with a rough eyeliner job and a half-assed lunch in my bag), so all is well that ends well I guess.  Err, well enough...despite all of that sleep, I'm still so exhausted that I would crawl under my desk and nap if that wouldn't end horribly.

I'm ready to have my energy back so I can get back to focusing on things more interesting than the rate at which the inside of my mouth is accumulating scar tissue. On some level, it has been sort of nice being forced to take some time to wind down and rest, but I have never been one to enjoy staying mentally inactive for long periods of time. On a similar note, I've been doing really badly in terms of "52 books in 52 weeks" this month for whatever reason. I've just been hyper-focused on getting my ducks in order to make sure I'm closer to who and where I want to be by this time next year and reading has been taking a backseat for the time being; that said, I did start reading Time of the Twins in earnest this morning on the bus. As everyone who has spent more than five minutes alone with me know, I'm really great at planning things, but not amazing at actually executing them, so I'm attempting to combine the planning and execution stages with this latest endeavor (GRE studying and financial planning for the upcoming academic year) so that the wheels will already be in motion before my attention span goes wandering off again. I'm really looking forward to solidifying a lot of plans for the next three to four months so that I can blog about them in earnest, but I'm not quite there just yet and I don't want to put the cart before the horse on this one.

One plan I am willing to reveal is my is my plan to start working on a somewhat-more-autumnal layout for the blog in the very near future. So far I'm leaning towards making it old school "swords and sorcery"-inspired since my once-latent geekiness has reared its head in a big way lately, but I don't have anything even resembling a concrete idea at the moment.

Filed under: Daily Life No Comments